第一幕：喝酒

   武松：Hello! I am Wu Song. The most handsome, the most famous, the most clever man in Liang Shan. I am going home to kill my sister in law Pan jinlian! She poisoned my brother. I told my brother Pan jinlian was dangerous. But My brother still married her. (叹气，唉….跟音乐一起唱且跳舞)Dangerous, dangerous! The girl is dangerous.

   武松(见到酒店一家)：A restaurant! Good. I am hungry. (进屋坐下)Waiter! Wine! Wine! The best wine!

   小二：Hi, sir. Sit down please. Would you like XO, Er Guo Tou, Mao Tai, or Qing Dao beer?

   武松：(晕晕乎乎地)How much is the XO?

   小二：1880 ( 展示大瓶酒，醒目的标价)。

   武松：Open…Open…..(喷嚏)(小二将酒瓶起开)

   武松：(面怒，片刻无语)Open the window please!Not the wine. I want some er guo tou! It’s strong enough.

   小二

   [热门]新《水浒》 ：You….You…..(敢怒不敢言, 转身倒碗二锅头)，Ok. Here you are.

   武松：Anything to eat?

   小二：Would you like sandwiches, hamburgers, bread, or pizza?

   武松：Ten pizzas, please.

   小二: Here you are!

   武松：(喝一口酒)Good wine, very good wine!

   (小二上了两碗酒www.seo0793.com，武松喝了，却是不再倒了)

   武松：I want more wine. Why not serve me?服务员!淘宝最有效的减肥药排行榜怎么不倒酒了?

   小二：Sir, More pizzas OK, more wine no way! 客官，要比萨饼就给您，这酒就不添了。

   武松：(生气) Why? I have money! (扔钱倒桌上)

   掌柜：Look! (指着 “三碗不过冈”牌子)。This wine is very strong. One bowl, comfortable. Two bowls, can’t walk. Three bowls, drunk and fall!，(叫店小二示范) 喝一碗神清气爽，喝两碗保你浑身无力，喝三碗就立刻醉倒，最多喝保证你酒精中毒，命都没有了……

   武松：(喝一口，挤笑)Who am i? Wu Song! Even 18 bowls is nothing for me. Give me wine!(咆哮，敲桌子) 不是我狂妄，这酒劲虽大，可我绝对是应付得了，就是喝上十八碗也只是漱口而已，

   掌柜：But you must call this number first.(掏出手机，出示电话号码， 旁边注明棺材预订)， Then I will serve you more wine.

   武松：(勉强同意，做打电话状)Hello!.......

   小二：Here is your wine. But your last meal, I think.你的酒来了!慢慢喝，估计是你最后一顿了。

   (武松冷哼一声。一次次举起大碗，眨眼间十八碗酒就下了肚吃完了，拎着他的棍子就走)

   小二：Where are you going, sir?

   武松：Jing yang gang去景阳冈后面的阳谷县。

   服务员：Oh, my god. You want to die? There is a tiger there. It has eaten 30 People. You’d better not go today. It’s dark. 客官万万去不得!如今景阳冈上有只华南虎，天一黑就出来害人，已经害了三十几个人，官府限期叫猎户去捉，冈下都有广告，除了中午，都不能过冈，现在已经快天黑了，你不要命就去吧。我看你还是在我这里住一晚最好。

   武松：(醉醺醺地) A tiger? I’ll kill it! Look ! I am so strong. I am good at Kong Fu!(秀肌肉，舞弄棍子，踢腿。)老虎?我要杀了它! 看我有多壮!我的功夫多棒!

   掌柜：You are drunk. Don’t go.看你这样子就知道你喝多了，怎么说起胡话了?可万万去不得!

   武松：(生气) Go away! (摇摇晃晃走了) 切，减肥药哪种好最讨厌人家小看我了，一边呆着去。

   掌柜：(摇头叹气)e mi tuo fo! God bless you! A men! (阿弥陀佛，上帝保佑，阿门)

   第二幕：打虎

   (武松提着短棍，大着步，径向景阳冈走去摇摇晃晃地走了一段路，有一只老虎跳出来)

   武松：Oh!My god! It’s a real mother tiger! ( 跪地求饶) Miss tiger. let me go! My mother is 80 years old. My son is only 2 years old. Please. Please! 为什么要让我碰见这只老虎?我才活了几年啊!我不想死!我上有八十岁的老母，下有未出世的儿女，我死了我们全家怎么活呀!

   老虎：(大笑) I like pork. I like beef. I like chicken. But my favourite is human meat. Ha, ha….哈哈，我喜欢猪肉，牛肉，鸡肉。但我的最爱是人肉!哈哈哈。。。(准备扑过去)

   武松：(做暂停手势)Stop! Let me have a look. Are you a real tiger? 等等， 你是真老虎吗?

   老虎：Of cour

   se! Come and see. My fur, my teeth, and my tail! 当然啦!来瞧瞧我的虎皮， 虎牙， 还有虎尾巴。

   武松：Yes, yes. You are real. Can I take a photo? I will put it on the newspaper.是的，是的。你是真老虎。我可以拍个照吗?我要把它放到报纸上去。

   (掏出相机，准备拍摄)

   老虎：Newspaper? Super star! Great! Come on! 上报纸?太好了。 来吧, 拍吧!(摆pose)

   武松开闪光灯拍照，啪啪。。。!

   老虎：(眼睛被闪花了。东摸洗摸。)Oh, no. I can’t see now! Oh, no!

   武松：(举起棍子就打) I will kill you and sell you for lots of money!

   (棍子打到虎背上断成两截)

   老虎：You cheat me ! I will eat you! ( 东扑西扑)你骗我，我要吃了你!

   武松：(用绳子把棍子连接起来)ha, ha. Shuang Jiegun! (舞动起来，音乐《双截棍》)

   老虎：Eat you! Eat you! Eat you!.......(扑，扑， 扑。喘粗气)I am tired!

   武松一样喘粗气， 提棍子再打。 被老虎一爪子扇掉! 老虎顺势再扑， 武松情急之下脱掉鞋子向老虎扔去。老虎接住鞋子，一闻,大叫一声(my god!Hong kong foot!)瞬时被臭得晕了过去。武松抓住时机上前一阵狂扁。老虎刚要醒来，武松把另一只鞋子在它脸上一晃。老虎一歪脖子，彻底呜呼!

   武松：Great!it’s dead. I am too tired.( 枕着老虎就睡着了。鼾声阵阵….)

   第二天早上，(公鸡啼叫…喔，喔!)一群猎户走过发现武松和老虎。

   猎户甲：Oh, he killed the tiger! Our hero!

   众猎户：hero! Hero! Hero!......(簇拥武松下山) (突然警笛声响起!)一辆警车停在众人面前。警察下车，一把铐住武松。

   警察甲：You killed the tiger? We should protect tigers! Follow us to the police station!

   武松：Why? Why? I’m the hero. Let me go! Let me go! …..